Glaring Shadow A Stream Of Consciousness Novel Read online

  Glaring Shadow A Stream Of Consciousness Novel

  Glaring Shadow A Stream Of Consciousness Novel

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  Glaring Shadow A Stream Of Consciousness Novel

  BS Murthy

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  BSMURTHY

  Chapter24 : Disown to Own Chapter 25 : Sentiment of Ruin Chapter 26 : Enigma of Attraction Chapter 27 : Veneer of the Vile Chapter 28 : Swap for Nope Chapter 29 : Goring Syndrome Chapter 30 : Back to the Basics

  Dedicated to,

  Sekhu, my elder boy for his literary course correction of this 'stream of consciousness 1 work to which I had lent some of my life and times.

  Chapter 1 Glaring Shadow

  He had the soul of our times, and is the namesake of many. He tamed success by the scruff of its neck, only to fuel envy in our neighborhood. When it seemed there was no stopping him, fate dealt him a deadly blow in his early sixties. Besides losing his wife, son and daughter-in-law with their children in that fatal road mishap, he found his leg mangled in the debris of that Ferrari. The intensity of the pity all felt for him seemed to match the magnitude of his loss, but as he became a recluse, his thought eluded all, and in due course, his tragedy became a thing of the past. But, in time, his intriguing behavior brought him back to the top of the page three in the local media - why he had disposed off his lucrative real estate for a song that left the realtors in the lurch. And as if to create a newsflash in the business world, he had offloaded his considerable stockholding, which sent the bulls running for cover in the country's bourses. Soon, even as the scrip was still crunching in the bear hug, the closure of his umpteen bank accounts earned him the national headlines, as it heralded a first rate liquidity crisis in the country's banking system. But even in that gloomy setting, it cost me a fortune to acquire his palatial bungalow the outhouse of which he had retained.

  When I called on him for chitchat that morning, I was shocked to see him shredding mounds of money lying beside him. Unmindful of my protests, as he picked up another wad of notes, I snatched it from him as if it were the money I paid through my nose. However, getting hold of another set, when he resumed his destructive regimen, I said it was absurd that the toil of a lifetime should be laid waste thus. Maybe, to clear my vision as well as to set his mind at rest, he unwound himself, which I would rewind for man to readjust his clock of life. But then why not reveal his name when he is worth writing about? It's because, the value of this tale lies not in his name, hallowed though, but in the hollowness of life he had led that is even as his name became a synonym for fame. However, if someone were to guess who it is, so be it.

  "My tragedy brought to the fore the falsities of life," he began melancholically. "How sickening it was to sense the anxiety of those to step into the shoes of my lost heirs. If only they stopped at that, and not stooped further, wouldn't I have taken them as the necessary evils of my aimless life! But they began to believe that they had a case for cause of action to file a suit in the court for their share in the spoils of my life. Let them go in for a writ if they want to, how I care now. What is the injunction they are going to get from the court but to maintain the status quo. Better still if the court were to grant them this shredded stuff; won't that save me the bother of scavenging it. But then, why blame them? How I failed to see that the self-worthy will

  not ingratiate themselves, and that it is the self-serving that cater to the egos of the egotists. Won't the upright seem arrogant to the egotistic, served by the servility of the spongers. Oh, by letting success go to my head, how I began to condescend to descend to the principled folks, who tend to occupy the middle order. Didn't Napoleon say, The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man" and, anyway, they are few and far between as Shakespeare had averred "Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand".

  "Maybe in our age of the billionaires, the ratio could as well be one in a million."

  "You may not be off the mark after all," he said. "Aren't more and more people getting exposed to the temptations of money these days, and don't I know how difficult it is to resist the temptation of the moolah. M ore so, as it appears, M ammon and Bacchus have pushed Venus to the backbench of life. Well, warming up to the dubious, didn't I make it appear that only those who courted me counted? But why would sane minds court the empty heads any way? But still, I didn't care that my attitude distanced the discerning, even Anand my nephew I was fond of, and he was the last to know of my tragedy. Why not, won't it take time for news to trickle down to the distant relations? When he came to offer his condolences, how my troubled conscience was solaced by the empathy I saw in his eyes! What a contrast it was with the put-ons of others underscored with their eyes-on-my-h
eirless-wealth! It was as if his ethos had placed my derailed life back on its ethical tracks. How I pleaded with him to become the prince of my domain and the inheritor of my fortune, and it was only when he declined my offer, did I realize what a pauper I was in spite of my riches."

  "Don't tell me he's a saint not wanting to be one of the richest on earth. M aybe, it's his weird way of getting even with you."

  "You may know that he values love above all else, and that's saintly, isn't it?" he said. "He's skeptical about the senseless wealth for its malefic affects on the ethos of his life, and what's worse, the questionable quality of those that it ushers into one's life. While his modest station in life keeps off the axe-grinders and the gold-diggers from trespassing into his life to his hurt, he's afraid that the halo of my bequeathal would change all that for it might make him a false deity flocked by the dubious gang. That used to be my philosophy of life as well. I always wanted a woman to enter into my life, pulled by my persona and not seduced by my wealth for I know women have a weakness for successful men. Well for my part, I always had a weakness for desirable women. When Ruma wanted me to own her and her riches as well, for good or for bad, it all changed forever, but now, how I wish I had his pragmatism to love and to life. Whatever, that monetary rise was the beginning of my moral fall."

  "But money can bring the best out of man and I've a cousin to name for that," I said.

  "When he was a man of modest means, he pestered me no end for a paltry sum he lent me but now he's a silent donor of millions. I guess that it was his insecurity then that made him petty in spite of his being large-hearted. Why, it's the hand that holds the money that shapes its character and not the other way round."

  "And sadly for my money it fell into my frivolous hands," he said staring at the heap. "When I said at his refusal what I was to do with all the money, Anand said in jest that I might as well hang myself with it. Oh, if only he had told me how to go about it; can one make a rope out of a wad of a trillion? Why money is paper and rope is coir; money can buy rope but can't make one on its own; which is stronger then, money that buys rope or the rope that gets sold for money? Yet all the money in the world cannot tie a monkey? But strangely it can bind man, even the Herculean one! Or

  is it that man himself submits to money, thinking that he would be weak without it. Oh, how I acquired wealth to feel strong and appear so to Ruma. But what money did to me than making me a weakling? What of this impulse to destroy that, which I had accumulated all my life. Can I become strong by shredding the stuff? Maybe, am I not rooting out the cause of my bane? How my hands have begun to ache already, and I've so much more to shred still! Wonder why didn't I feel any strain at all accumulating all that wealth; what a heady feeling, the sense of success is! Why did I let the glaring shadow of success eclipse my soul? Maybe I would never know. But now, wiser for the myth of wealth don't I see the falsity of fame in which I had been gloating over."

  "You seem to be shaken really."

  "I was in a slumber till Anand stirred my soul in showing me the reality of life," he said reflectively. "And what a shock it was."

  "Maybe it paves the way to unburden yourself."

  "Isn't it strange that unburdening itself is a burden for me," he bemoaned. "How tiring it is to destroy all that I had built, so to say, over my dead soul. Whatever, can one either build much or destroy enough with bare hands. Maybe as business machines generate wealth, we need money munches to devour it. But all I've is a pair of scissors."

  "If ever you get to invent one, I don't see any takers for it and that saves the bother of patenting it."

  "Surely sense of humor helps," he said trying to get up from his chair to reach the bureau. "How I forgot I needed crutches, don't I have the ghost leg still? Even after exorcizing the devil of wealth, I may have to put up with it for long. And that speaks about the power of habit that is the bane of man. Didn't I develop the habit of making money to impress Ruma, only to go down on the road of doom? Wasn't my sense of insecurity to retain her love that was behind all that? But then, how admirably did Anand lead his wife Anitha through the travails of life."

  "If you don't mind my being frank with you," I said involuntarily, "your tone betrays your jealousy couched by the admiration of him. It's also clear that you wished Ruma was cast in Anitha's mold."

  "I like your perceptivity, the acme of sensitive writing," he said and added reflectively. "Don't I know you aspire to be a writer? Your muse willing, maybe my life can inspire you to make a memoir of it. If so, pray not give away those who came into my life and I too, but for a slip of the tongue, won't name any save those you are already in the know. Name them as your fancy suggests, and what's in a name as Shakespeare had said."

  "Why it's an idea, and as Abhishek Bachchan says, it can change one's life," I said enthusiastically. "Let me take notes,"

  "Why not you give it a try as I glean through the glaring show of my life in all its myriad shades," he said handing me a writing pad.

  Chapter 2

  Pains of Regret

  "Not to speak ill of the dead," he began as I readied myself to take notes, and continued after a pause, "what to make out of this social nicety when man is so much prone to speak nothing but ill of his fellow-men. Does it imply that since one should

  not speak ill of the dead, he should go the whole hog about it when the other is still alive and kicking! Maybe, that's what man thinks; why he wouldn't let go an opportunity, so to say creates one, to pour out his venom on his fellow beings. If I were to subscribe to the perverse proposition, you would never come to write my memoir for I should keep mum as most of those who came into my life are dead and gone. Whatever, didn't Shakespeare put the final word in Antony's mouth - The evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones'. Well, gloating about her 'woman behind the successful man image', it was Ruma, who goaded me all the way to my doom. Now that I'm failing our common cause, won't her soul feel let down over there? What of my mother who kept herself away from my running shadow all along? Won't she welcome the return of her prodigal son to her pragmatic bosom? But even if she does, how am I to bear her kindness having got used to her indifference for so long. Oh, if only my father were alive! What a character he was really; when did I last think of him anyway? Wonder how, shorn of a few bucks, I'm inclined to think about them! When I'm finished with the lot, what if it's a deluge of human compassion? How nice the prospect of its happening feels!"

  "I can feel your pain in the pangs of regret."

  "I'm glad that your feel of my remorse might help you to capture the pathos of my life," he said stoically. "How my life mirrors the stupidity of man in spite of a wise upbringing. What idiocy it was that I toiled to destroy the toil of my parents in tending my life in a meaningful way. Why not make it easy for myself by making a bonfire if it. (He started throwing those wads of money into the fireplace) What if I choke myself to death and suffocate you as well? It's not the relief by death but the reality of life that I seek to picture for you to hold it as a mirror for man."

  "I find your passion infectious and feel your story could be illuminating," I said as his eyes lit up watching his wealth beginning to go up in flames.

  "Of what avail is a passionless writing, and the feeling-less reading," he said turning enthusiastic. "Hope your empathy provides the cutting edge to my memoir. Well to give the devil its due, what warmth money used to provide me! But in the hindsight don't I see the falsity of it all; why it was the warmth in the company of the inanimate. Wonder how I had endured it all myself being passionate about love! More so, what a paradox it was as it was love that motivated me to covet money? Is love a false notion then? Isn't love a mental affliction to which sex affords physical gratification without which it becomes a by-gone emotion? But does sex fare any better in fruition? No denying possession tends to dampen passion but won't sex beget love in cohabitation and so while love owes to sex in the beginning, it is the love that serves sex in the long run, and that's the gr
ammar of the sexual relations."

  "In the biological tense," I said. "What with one's waning ability to attract a new mate what else can one do than to stick to the spouse for sex? Why make a virtue of a necessity?"

  "There you are, but nothing in life is black and white as money too imparts its own hues," he said. "If the rein of passion is on the groin, the lure of money sways the head, and the craze to possess it matches the urge to retain it."

  "Why not dole out your moolah instead of destroying it?"

  "Not that I haven't thought about it," he said. "It makes news for a day but leaves no lasting message."

  "What better message than philanthropy?"

  "Man might be rich without wealth and could be poor in spite of it," he said continuing to throw the piles of notes into the fireplace. "It's not the needs of the poor that I want to address but it is man's craze for riches that I wish to dispel. The story behind my insane destruction of my mindless acquisition might picture the character of money in all its ugliness. Don't you see what a sight it makes, the burning money! How its flames seem to clear my view of life from the smokescreen of wealth! Why did I allow my life to be ruined by money and its minions? What else are pride, greed and such but money's minions? If I let the money go, won't it take its minions along with it? By shedding the blinkers of the moolah, won't I be able to pull my life out of the glaring shadow of wealth? It's so long ago but what a life I lived!"

  "I'm all eager for its recap."

  "I deem it a favor for I need to pour out now," he said. "But should you find it boring, say so by yawning."

  "How can the lessons of life ever sound dull that too of one who lived it and suffered through it?" I said having been affected by what I had seen and heard by then.

  "If youth is the cream of life childhood is the cake of it," he began rewinding the reel of his life. "But where were the birthday bashes with cakes and all in those days. Still, childhood was no poorer in our times either. What did my son Satish gain out of all that gaiety I afforded him as a child? Won't the kids either sleep or weep as parents grandstand at their birthday bashes? With more money in more hands and fewer children in the parental laps, even the toddlers' cradle ceremonies are being hosted in the five-star settings. What it is but to announce the couples' arrival on the grand social stage. How money aids vanity, which in turn sustains variety. But then sans variety, won't be life ever boring? What a pity, it is man's lot to take his pick, the vanity of imbalance or the boredom of balance. But as life spares the child its choices, the parents seem to impose their ways on the kids. Well what a childhood I have had!'